Panic Watch!

Oh, here's another one.

Woman tries to shut down Large Hadron Collider over apocalypse fears.

Despite the fact that the collider has been turned on several times with zero black holes created, amateur housewife physicists continue to try to muck up the works.

Previous stories on the LHC:

Large Hadron Collider will not swallow Earth

Particle Collider Black Hole Fears...Again and Again and Again and...

CERN Suicide

Well you stop posting for a few days and you nearly miss the end of the world. Frankly, I knew this would happen which is why I installed a $5,000 Aether Monitoring Station on my roof to alert me to any apocalyptic oversights. This morning it was beeping off the charts so I fired up the Drudge Report to see what was the matter.

HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL OVER NOW, MEXICO DISEASE IS FINALLY SPREADING, THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, IT'S A

Oh wait it says NOT closing the borders...well what the hell ever.

THEY'RE CLOSING THE BORDERS, 20 CONFIRMED DEATHS OVER THE SPAN OF WEEKS, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I'M LOCKED AND LOADED AND JUST LIT MY GAS MOAT ON FIRE TRY TO GET GET THROUGH IT YOU SONS OF BITCHES JUST TRY IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

So then I scroll down a bit and find that's not all. In fact I'm pretty sure the Seven Last Plagues are starting right here, right now. #1 is of course the Mexican Pig Flu. #2 is the Cornflaker Virus starting to attack our computers, probably perpetrated by the known devil-worshipers at Kellogg's.

#3 is global warming floods destroying igloos and forcing an Eskimo village of 300 people to move 9 miles away (thankfully CNN highlighted this one on their front page). #4 is naturally capitalism, a plague that Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro have today revealed will destroy mankind.

Numbers 5, 6, and 7 are, respectively, the "tough times" economy which is forcing zoos to turn dangerous animals loose on the streets because they can't afford to feed them, the Italian Mafia, and tainted water.

When their powers combine, these Plagues are unstoppable. You can't hide in your house, your computer or your ocean, and even your mafia friends can't be trusted. Your only chance is in here with me, behind the fire moat, with my ten thousand leftover SARS masks. Bring your own assault rifles.

While outside watching contractors place my new Planet-X Shelter underground, I thought to myself: how are ol' Web-Bot's predictions holding up since we last posted about our favorite Bot predictor?

• The Web-Bot foresees a West Coast/Vancouver area large-scale earthquake around December 12, 2008 - Nope, nothing like this happened. Although, Canada is big, so it could've happened somewhere waayyyy up north I suppose.
• There will be a 2009 winter/spring natural disaster, which causes people to become angry about government response - Hmmm, no winter disaster, but spring has just started. I'll be sure to keep a few extra MREs handy.
• The Web-Bot foresees that the winter in the Northeast will be very cold, causing some schools to close, and then later to reopen as shelters for people who can't heat their homes. - I think this happens every year; it's called winter. Web-bot did predict winter being cold, so score one point for Web-bot!
• Global Coastal Event likely in early to mid 2009 - Again, the 'early' portion of this prediction has passed, but 'mid' is coming up! Millions of miles of world wide coastline so we'll see if there's an event on one of them.

Web-bot doesn't seem to be doing too great this year; I'm thinking my 16-person Planet-X shelter was overkill.

Not to second guess the sage advice of Web-Bot, but I did double check with The Global Consciousness Project (also known as the EGG Project). I've been a steadfast follower of this project since their inception in 1998, back when I had AOL and a super fast 28.8kbps modem. For those not familiar, the EGG project is

While Web-bot is a single computer making predictions based on our internet usage, EGG computes "human consciousness" from random-number-generating nodes around the world, using a two-inch wide old computer part. Still confused? Well then you'd better check out this YouTube video for definitive proof of its awesomeness! Not only is EGG a Princeton University project, but NBC did a news spot! Can you be more legit?? After all the data is compiled, it's displayed in a very simple, 'aesthetic dot', which very scientifically shows us the world's consciousness, in real time.

Thankfully, it's green now. The world is normal and Web-Bot concurs.

Dumbest piece of journalism in a while:

Experts Warn of 'Terminator'-Style Military-Robot Rebellion

Mix a little fear of what people don't understand (computer programming) and some sensationalistic journalism, add a pinch of scary robotic face, and you've got world-class scaremongering.

"Strict warrior code"? Dear god it's like we're all 14 again.

It seems every few months we're going to need to reassure people that the Large Hadron Collider will not swallow the earth, because the stupid story keeps coming back. Three scientists posited this week that any microscopic black holes created might persist for slightly longer than previously thought. They did not say earth-swallowing black holes will be created. In fact they said that still doesn't seem possible. But somehow this is being construed as "serious safety doubts" by the media.

And so, once again, scientists are forced to release statements to point out the obvious fact that the Earth will not fall into a LHC black hole lest angry mobs start tearing down one of the most groundbreaking pieces of scientific equipment ever created. This is about the 500th time they've had to do so in the past year (see our earlier coverage here).

Some media outlets just can't let this one die though. In reporting the above story about how safe the LHC is, FoxNews chooses the headline "Scientist Insists 'Doomsday Machine' Is Perfectly Safe". Give me a break. The only thing we accomplish with this kind of stupid scaremongering is forcing little girls to commit suicide.

BREAKING NEWS FROM U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT: Teens Who Use MySpace Often Discuss Sex, Substance Abuse, Violence.

Researchers browsed 500 profiles of 18-year-olds and discovered that "forty-one percent of the profiles referenced substance abuse, 24 percent discussed sexual behavior, and 14 percent talked about teen violence."

WELL HOLY SMOKES, 18-YEAR-OLDS TALKING ABOUT SEX, DRUGS, AND VIOLENCE????? GET THIS TO PRINT ASAP.

Why the fact that the discussion is taking place on MySpace is relevant at all is beyond me. Just more needless MySpace bashing to grab headlines and scare parents. Indeed, a warning for parents is dutifully included:

Make no mistake...MySpace is thoroughly retarded and drops the collective IQ of the internet by trillions of points. But let's place the blame where it belongs: dumb teenagers. Whether they're being dumb on MySpace or AIM or out in front of the 7-Eleven, teenagers will ALWAYS be dumb and will ALWAYS talk about sex, drugs, and violence. This is not news.

An even funnier part of the article:

What the hell kind of "study" is this? Why can't legal adults make sexual references if they want to? I'M A DOCTOR, YOU BETTER REMOVE THAT LINE ABOUT INTERCOURSE FROM YOUR PROFILE, RAAAAAR. Teenagers aren't the only ones being stupid here.

You can always count on technological bugs to be big and scary, especially around New Year's. Once upon a time it was the Y2K bug. Then it was the daylight saving time change. Sometimes it's a leap year. Rest assured 2009 will not disappoint, as the media now warns us to take cover because it's time for...

THE LEAP SECOND.

Atomic clocks will gain an extra second tonight at the end of the year, which might sound like a good thing to some of us. Our clocks will be rectified and running smooth, our lives will be back on track, and our hopes and dreams will finally be realized. Oh no, my friend. Ohhhhh no.

Much like the daylight saving time change last year ("Y2K all over again") this scare hitches its reigns to our disappointing millennial boogeyman in an attempt to stir those lingering fears and make us reach up to make sure the key to our underground bunker is still securely hung around our necks.

In reality, 24 leap seconds have been added into our timekeeping over the past three decades or so, the last being in 2005. We managed to survive all of those without ATMs spilling cash onto the streets or cellphones exploding in our hands. But people have short memories and love a good fright even if it is nonsense.

THAT'S RIGHT! It's that time of year again. Just when most psychics (like the geniune psychic pictured to the right) are pumping out their 2009 predictions, cherrypicking the few they got right in 2008 and deleting the rest, we've found the guys who forgot to erase their failures or were kind enough to leave them up for us to laugh at. So without further ado...2008's failed apocalyptic psychic predictions.

Nikki, "psychic to the stars"

• Category 5 hurricane wipes out Miami.
• Terrorist attack on the Beijing Olympics plus another terrorist attack on Madrid, Spain, as well as an attack in Chicago.
• Two planes will collide over JFK Airport in New York.
• The US will invade Iran.
• An assassination around President Bush.
• The earth will move slightly off its axis causing some havoc.
• A cargo ship will collide with a cruise ship in the Mediterranean killing hundreds.
• A giant crocodile will devour many people in Southern Florida.
• A raging fire in Chicago will destroy a large portion of the Old Chicago area and a bridge will collapse in Toronto, Canada.
• A biological attack on the United States
• The Arch De Triumph in Paris, France, will collapse and there will be many buildings collapse in Mexico City.
• A subway attack in New York.
• A terrorist attack in California, Nevada and New York.
• There will be a space tragedy.

Coast to Coast AM

• The 2007 WD5 asteroid will hit Mars, and the remnants of an ancient civilization will be revealed.
• There will be a series of three earthquakes in Hawaii-- 8.6, 7.2 and 6.3, probably in March.
• 90 days of satellites being shut down.
• A major train crash-- one that will go down in the record books.

More Coast to Coast AM

• Northern California will have an earthquake over 9.0 in April
• Mothman incidents will return to PA area, starting on July 4th.
• Lightning will become sentient and attack people. (my favorite)
• The source of chemtrails will be revealed as nefarious climate modification.

Angels & Ghosts

• An earthquake will hit northern California in Spring.
• The mothman will be spotted in Pennsylvania.
• A UFO will be shot down.
• Black triangle UFOs will turn out to be new US stealth fighters.

Mary Bogart

• "A terror attack right before the 2008 election which is the deciding factor in Rudi Giulianni becoming president."

Mr. Juseleeno Nobulega Da Roose, "noted Brazilian psychic"

• July 18th: 8.1 earthquake in Philippines; thousands of people dead.
• Sept: terrorist attack at the Empire State Building.

Barbara Garcia

• It is a turbulent year in natural disasters particularly tidal waves, possibly a tsunami.
• An extraordinary discovery right here on earth as remains of an ancient being are uncovered. "Could this be proof of the existence of ET?"

Psychics.co.uk

• On January 25, 2008 California will be rocked by an earthquake that will rival the San Francisco earthquake.
• "I see multiple severe and devastating earthquakes in various parts of the world causing much disruption to human society; possibly volcanoes erupting, as I see the sun blocked by darkness and explosions in the sky; and issues with high water levels, possibly due to tsunamis, on some coastlines, particularly in tropical areas and tropical islands. We are in for a rocky ride."
• Another major political/religious assassination in Pakistan leading to civil war. India to invade.
• A small nuclear detonation in Asia or middle east, possibly Israel.
• "A very strong image I was given was a particular community or area being wiped out using nukes. This was seen to be a good thing to prevent the spread of something - I felt this was a disease."
• Assasination of President Bush.
• 'Strange' markings in the night sky, visible to all...
• Nuclear detonation will be aimed at Los Angeles, New York City/Boston, or San Francisco between Jan 10-20, causing a tsunami. The detonation at sea will cause a tsunami that will further devastate the western coast, affecting the western coast all the way up to Washington State and the west coast of Baja California.

The Psychic Detective

• A number of bizarre and disturbing crimes will make the headlines in the later part of 2008 and 2009. These crimes will involve children and families. The level of brutality, strangeness, cruelty and disregard for the sanctity of life will be appalling.

Some random psychic

• Kidnappings are going to be on the rise in this country. We are going to hear about Americans being kidnapped and taken across our borders into border towns and held there for ransom. Many of these victims will not survive.

And of course we missed Armageddon, Christ's Millennial Reign, and THREE DIFFERENT APOCALYPSES (these are all very different things mind you). 2008 was an exciting year indeed.

When I first ran across this article, I thought "the Web-Bot" was some geeky task-automation program. How wrong I was.

Apparently, the Web-Bot has predicted all of the 'seemly random' catastrophic events since 2001's attack on the WTC. Katrina, anthrax letters, earthquakes... you name it, this bot has predicted it. The Web-Bot's 2008-2009 predictions can be seen at this website and it warns of many things...too many to wrap your head around at once. Essentially, it lists so many things it'll be right sometime, not to mention the broad scope of these predictions. For instance "Global Coast Event likely in early to mid 2009". Wow... millions and millions of miles of coastline all over the earth. I'll even concede that an 'event' will happen on a coastline. Maybe I'm psychic too?!?

The Web-Bot creators give a whiff of the scientific to what is little more than Miss Cleo astrology dressed up for a new generation:

Ah yes, we can't leave the 2012 Doomsday prophecy out of this now can we? But hey, if you still don't get it, the picture below apparently spells it all out for you (courtesy of the scholarly minds that created Web-Bot):

Damn, that is hardcore!

After becoming obsessed with media coverage of the CERN supercollider, a 16-year-old girl has committed suicide to avoid experiencing the end of the world inside a black hole. If true, this is a sad commentary on the effect media alarmism can have on credulous minds.

I have my doubts though; what's the point of killing yourself to avoid dying? And going headfirst into a black hole is probably a cleaner (and cooler) way to go out than eating insecticide.